Sunday, 7 November 2010

an elevator controlled by Scottish English (2)

On the 22nd of October I drew your attention to a video clip illustrating not only the advantages of modern technology but also Scottish English. Here's a transcript of this dialogue in the elevator (thanks to my informant on Scottish English who enlightened me on some peculiarities of Scottish English which my ears weren't able to disentangle).

Iain Connell:     Where's the buttons?
Robert Florence:    No, no they've installed voice recognition technology in this lift. I heard about ‘t.


Iain Connell:     Voice recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? Ever tried voice recognition technology?
Robert Florence:     Naw
Iain Connell:     They don't do - Sco'ish accents
Robert Florence:     Eleven
Elevator:     Could you please repeat that?
Iain Connell:     Eleven
Robert Florence:     Eleven...Eleven
Iain Connell:     Eleven
Elevator:     Could you please repeat that?
Robert Florence:     E-le-ven
Iain Connell:     Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. Eleven…Eleven.
Robert Florence:     That sounds Irish, no’ American
Iain Connell:     No, doesnae. Eleven.
Robert Florence:     Where in America's tha', Dublin?
Elevator:     I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
Robert Florence:     Try an English accent, right…Eleven…Eleven
Iain Connell:     You fae the same part o' England as Dick Van Dyke!
Robert Florence:     Let's hear yours then, smar’ arse.
Elevator:     Please speak slowly and clearly
Robert Florence:     Smart arse
Iain Connell:     E-le-ven.
Elevator:     I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
Iain Connell:     Eleven. If you don't underston the lingo, away back hame yer ain country.
Robert Florence:     Oh, s'tha talk nae is it? "Away back tae yer ain country"?
Iain Connell:     Oh, don't start Mr Bleeding Heart – how can ye be racist tae a lift?
Elevator:     Please speak slowly and clearly.
Robert Florence:     Eleven…Eleven…Eleven…Eleven
Iain Connell:     Ye'r jus' sayin' it the same way
Robert Florence:     I'm gonnae keep sayin' it until it understons Sco'ish, a' right?
Robert Florence:     Eleven…Eleven…Eleven…Eleven
Iain Connell:     Oh, just take us anywhere, ye cow. Just open the doors.
Elevator:     This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.
Iain Connell:     Calm? Calm? Where's tha’ comin' fae? Why's it tellin' people ‘e be calm?
Robert Florence:     Because they knew they'd be sellin' this tae Sco'ish people who'd be goin' aff their nuts at it.
Elevator:     You have not selected a floor.
Robert Florence:     Aye, we hav -  ELEVEN!
Elevator:     If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say "Open the doors please"
Iain Connell:     Please? Please? Suck ma wullie.
Robert Florence:     Maybe we should have said please.
Iain Connell:     I'm no begging that fer nothin'.
Robert Florence:     Open the doors please.
Iain Connell:     Please..pathetic.
Elevator:     Please remain calm.
Robert Florence:     Oh fu……wud ye let me up tae that… get me up there…right, jus wait fer it tae speak…
Elevator:     You have not selected a floor.

Robert Florence:     Up yours, ye cow! You don't let us out these doors, I'm gonnae come tae America, I'm gonnae find whatever desperate actress gave yer voice, and I'm gonnae go tae the electric chair fer ye.
Iain Connell:     Scotland, ye bastards.
Robert Florence:     SCOTLAND!
Iain Connell:    SCOTLAND!
Robert Florence:     SCOOOOTLAND!
Iain Connell:     FREEDOM!
Robert Florence:     FREEDOM!
Iain Connell:    FREEDOM!
Doors open. People standing outside waiting.
Iain Connell:     Goin' up?

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