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| credit: BBC |
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BASIL: Oh, I wouldn't with you, Diana. God forbid.
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You must be terrifying in bed.
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DIANA: What do you mean?
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BASIL: Always yelling and shouting and giving people orders.
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DIANA: Is there another way?
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Ooh! Where's Tom?
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BASIL: He's going around asking people how they feel. See?
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DIANA: What's he up to?
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BASIL: God knows, I shouldn't think he's too sure either.
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Ah well, I must be off. There’s a new girl, Tess, in number 5.
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Keeps giving me the eye.
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Big lass. Good training.
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DIANA: You wait Basil, the hard-line feminists will get you.
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One day, you'll be hacked to bits by boiler-suited viragos outside your shirt maker's.
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BASIL: I'll get Tom to give you a hand.
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HARVEY: Oh, no, no. It's not good, Jane. JANE: No, Harvey.
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What's not good?
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HARVEY: Well, the profit forecasts for the coming financial year.
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JANE: Oh, they don't look too bad.
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HARVEY: Yes, but they used to be massive.
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I mean these sort of places used to knock the spots off pine forests and off-shore stuff.
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And it was legal too.
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Well, frankly Jane, there's got to be a bit of belt tightening.
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The board of directors met in Antigua the other day, and made some executive decisions.
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Now, Jane, instead of salary, how do you feel about points in the net profits?
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JANE: What does that mean?
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HARVEY: Well, you'd work harder to cut costs.
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Starting with your own salary.
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JANE: Well, everything's cut to the bone as it is.
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HARVEY: Maybe ... yes, maybe we could cut back on the quality of the food and then they eat less.
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That's another thing, Jane. turnaround.
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No, not you Jane. Turnaround of the residents.
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Every time one dies, it takes too long to get them out and get the place re-leased and the cash flow rolling in again.
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JANE: There must be bit of dignity and decorum, Harvey.
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HARVEY: Dignity is an expensive luxury, Jane.
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And there's certainly no profit in decorum.
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TOM: What ho!
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HARVEY: Oh, do come in, Tom. Don't bother to knock.
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Yes, why don't you sit down.
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TOM: Thank you.
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HARVEY: Well, what can I do for you?
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TOM: The "care for the dying" program.
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HARVEY: I'm sorry Tom, we can't afford a resident counsellor.
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TOM: You don't have to. I'm going to do it.
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JANE: Oh dear!
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HARVEY: I can't afford to pay you either.
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TOM: No, I don't want any money. I just want to help my fellow prisoners.
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HARVEY: Residents, Tom. TOM: Residents.
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HARVEY: You mean you'd do the job with no financial benefit to yourself?
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JANE: It's called voluntary service, Harvey.
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HARVEY: Fascinating. Voluntary service.
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Well, you should think about that, Jane.
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JANE: Tom, this job needs somebody with training.
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HARVEY: Nonsense, if Tom wants to do it for free, he's trained enough for me.
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In fact, I think I'll put it in the new brochure.
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The baby retirement village – let us help you die.
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What do you think, Jane?
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JANE: Oh, Harvey!
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HARVEY: So, what have you got there, Tom?
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TOM: This is my survey. It's very important. It's also very private.
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JANE: Tom, I know you mean well, but if you are untrained I fear you may do more harm than good by counselling the dying without knowing what you're doing.
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TOM: Jane, I'm not daft, I'm not callous and I'm certainly not stupid and I'm going to get some training.
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Community centre, mon brave.
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DIANA: What's he up to?
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‘Coping with death – an informal discussion’. That sounds a bundle of laughs. 'Psychotherapy is seldom a brief process.'
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TOM: Excuse me. Are you the dying lot?
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1st LADY: No, we're lesbian awareness. 2nd LADY: Dying, first left.
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TOM: Thank you.
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<i>Knocking. </i>
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TOM: Dying? LADY: No, quite healthy actually, but we know you mean.
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Do come in and join us.
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TOM: Thank you.
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LADY: Now I was saying …
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... in coping with the terminally ill, there are no rules.
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You let them call the shots. Whatever they want is fine, you let them have it.
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TOM: What if they want to go skiing?
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LADY: Sorry?
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TOM: What if they want to do something that they are absolutely incapable of?
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LADY: Firstly, you let them decide just what they're capable of.
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TOM: But, what if it's a totally loopy idea? Running the marathon on half a lung or something.
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LADY: Tell them they're crazy. Nicely, of course.
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TOM: Oh, of course.
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LADY: Now, the other main thing is listening. Listen, listen, listen.
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For hours, days if necessary, let them get it all off their chests even if it means they are repeating themselves every five minutes.
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TOM: I'm a very good listener.
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LADY: Good. Now there are a few practical ... TOM: In fact, listening is about all I'm good at these days.
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LADY: Now when it comes to … TOM: I've been a good listener ever since I was a lad. My mother used to say to me, "Tom, you're a great listener."
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LADY: Yes. Fine. TOM: ... and now I spend hours listening to Diana.
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I am a terrific listener.
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LADY: Well, would you mind listening to me for a minute?
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TOM: Of course, yes, absolutely. Sorry.
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LADY: Thank you. Now …
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TOM: You'll find I'm a very good listener.
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LADY: Now, let's move on to the late terminal stages, where a patient is to all intents in a non-communicating coma state.
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Remember this one thing:
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You don't know whether they can hear you or not.
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So, don't say anything that you wouldn't say to their faces.
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TOM: Like, how we don't like the Swedish.
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LADY: What?
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TOM: Well, er, that might upset them.
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LADY: Why?
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TOM: Well, they might be Swedish.
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LADY: I think we'll break for cup of tea now.
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BASIL: So, your husband was a bank manager, eh?
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Well, that's a real coincidence, Tess, because as it happens, I'm very good at massage.
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DIANA: That's who they should put in the brochure, you know.
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Basil, the sex pistol.
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Never mind your counselling for the dying, just tell the old ducks they'll get the best servicing this side of the grave, they'll be climbing over the wall.
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TOM: Don't be vulgar, Diana.
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DIANA: Mind you, if that one gets up steam, we may never see the little beggar again.
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TOM: Diana! DIANA: Sorry, you were saying?
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TOM: Well ... DIANA: I wonder if we ought to buy him some distress flares.
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TOM: Diana!
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DIANA: I'm sorry, you carry on.
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