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| credit: BBC |
295
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:04,013
TOM: Do you want to know about my survey or don't you?
296
00:20:04,013 --> 00:20:06,935
DIANA: Oh, just tell me about your boring survey.
297
00:20:06,935 --> 00:20:17,612
TOM: Well, as a former accountant and statistician, I have interviewed the residents re their personalities, medical histories and sorted them into types from which I can predict their probable life spans.
298
00:20:17,612 --> 00:20:20,893
DIANA: What do you mean, you've worked out a timetable of when we're all going to snuff it!
299
00:20:20,893 --> 00:20:21,877
TOM: Sort of.
300
00:20:21,877 --> 00:20:23,004
DIANA: How grotesque.
301
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:31,097
TOM: So, from this list, I can work out who I ought to be counselling for their meeting with Mr. Grim Reaper, Esq.
302
00:20:30,619 --> 00:20:32,295
DIANA: You're mad as a cut snake.
303
00:20:32,757 --> 00:20:40,700
Never heard anything so daft, predicting who's going to die when. Just sup your soup and shut up. Counselling schmounselling.
304
00:20:45,173 --> 00:20:40,700
TOM: Diana? DIANA: What?
305
00:20:47,257 --> 00:20:50,029
TOM: You've led a very full and rewarding life, haven't you?
306
00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,751
DIANA: I'll bloody kill you!
307
00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:59,213
GEOFFREY: Yes, well, I think it's very admirable, dad. Don't you, dear?
308
00:20:59,213 --> 00:20:59,213
MARION: What? GEOFFREY: Dad's counselling.
309
00:21:00,879 --> 00:21:00,879
MARION: ON the council? I didn't know he was on the council.
310
00:21:03,919 --> 00:21:08,140
GEOFFREY: No, dear. counselling. Talking to people who need help.
311
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:08,056
MARION: I do not need help. I'm fine. Really, I am, fine.
312
00:21:12,587 --> 00:21:15,048
Everything totally under control.
313
00:21:15,048 --> 00:21:16,046
TOM: Is she all right?
314
00:21:16,938 --> 00:21:20,610
I mean "all right" within the very limited terms one would use the word in relation to Marion.
315
00:21:20,866 --> 00:21:23,140
GEOFFREY: She's breaking in a new tranquilizer.
316
00:21:23,796 --> 00:21:25,341
TOM: Seems to be working.
317
00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:29,426
GEOFFREY: What were you saying about high risk groups, dad?
318
00:21:29,761 --> 00:21:34,131
TOM: Er, yes, well, I checked with a few quacks, and my field work is pretty accurate.
319
00:21:34,131 --> 00:21:35,493
GEOFFREY: Oh, fascinating.
320
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,388
And where would I come on your risk ladder?
321
00:21:37,388 --> 00:21:39,795
TOM: Oh, you're way down low on the list, Geoffrey.
322
00:21:40,222 --> 00:21:44,412
Non-smoking, non-drinking, stamp-collecting liberal democrat.
323
00:21:45,464 --> 00:21:47,852
You'll live for years and do absolutely nothing.
324
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,441
GEOFFREY: So there's something to be said for being me after all.
325
00:21:51,441 --> 00:21:52,238
TOM: I didn't say that.
326
00:21:53,049 --> 00:21:52,238
GEOFFREY: What about Marion? What's her risk factor?
327
00:21:57,074 --> 00:21:56,558
TOM: Don't let her start any long shopping lists.
328
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:06,065
DIANA: Tom! Tom! TOM: Out here! What is it?
329
00:22:07,416 --> 00:22:08,807
DIANA: It's Basil. TOM: What?
330
00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:09,807
DIANA: I think you'd better come.
331
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:12,512
TOM: What happened?
332
00:22:12,427 --> 00:22:12,512
DIANA: I don't know. Oh.
333
00:22:15,130 --> 00:22:18,705
That widow twanky there probably rolled over and flattened the poor little chap.
334
00:22:19,582 --> 00:22:20,497
TOM: Have you called the quack?
335
00:22:21,170 --> 00:22:24,312
JANE: Harvey's a bit concerned about the er, circumstances.
336
00:22:24,312 --> 00:22:24,988
TOM: What?
337
00:22:24,988 --> 00:22:26,728
HARVEY: Well, it wouldn't look too good in the papers.
338
00:22:27,455 --> 00:22:29,839
Pensioners ... well, you know ...
339
00:22:30,505 --> 00:22:34,848
Thingy … all over the place ... Coronaries.
340
00:22:35,281 --> 00:22:37,294
TOM: Get the doctor at once, you bloody fool.
341
00:22:37,294 --> 00:22:38,793
TOM: All right, all right.
342
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:38,793
Jane, get Tess back to her place. And not a word to anyone.
343
00:22:43,173 --> 00:22:47,303
This is a respectable retirement village, not a geriatric knocking shop.
344
00:22:50,371 --> 00:22:50,843
DIANA: Has he gone?
345
00:22:52,064 --> 00:22:53,134
TOM: No, he's still with us.
346
00:22:56,356 --> 00:23:00,101
Bas, can you hear me? Bas?
347
00:23:01,366 --> 00:23:03,342
He may be on the brink.
348
00:23:03,296 --> 00:23:04,083
DIANA: Oh, my god.
349
00:23:05,059 --> 00:23:06,536
TOM: He's probably half in, half out.
350
00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:07,755
DIANA: Of what?
351
00:23:07,755 --> 00:23:10,610
TOM: Of his body. the transition phase it's called.
352
00:23:11,092 --> 00:23:14,126
I expect he's hovering about above us watching all this.
353
00:23:14,859 --> 00:23:18,436
DIANA: Basil, stop frigging about and get the bloody hell back down here immediately.
354
00:23:18,776 --> 00:23:23,815
TOM: That's not the way to do it. His going must be a warm experience.
355
00:23:24,299 --> 00:23:25,416
DIANA: What do you mean? You're going to set fire to him?
356
00:23:26,085 --> 00:23:28,556
TOM: No. Just be quiet.
357
00:23:28,996 --> 00:23:34,712
Basil, chum. You have every reason to be happy.
358
00:23:35,542 --> 00:23:40,596
A great life, lived, travelled, loved. Definitely loved.
359
00:23:40,962 --> 00:23:43,474
Remember, we love you, too.
360
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,474
Most profoundly, don't we, Diana?
361
00:23:46,977 --> 00:23:48,014
DIANA: Love? Him?
362
00:23:48,397 --> 00:23:49,714
TOM: Yes!
363
00:23:50,090 --> 00:23:50,750
DIANA: He's all right, I suppose.
364
00:23:54,951 --> 00:23:55,923
TOM: Kiss him, Diana.
365
00:23:57,758 --> 00:24:03,991
DIANA: Me? TOM: Yes.
366
00:24:03,991 --> 00:24:05,672
DIANA: Well, now what are we supposed to do?
367
00:24:05,672 --> 00:24:11,192
TOM: Hold hands, and concentrate our spiritual energies.
368
00:24:14,097 --> 00:24:16,203
Well, come on, hold hands.
369
00:24:17,239 --> 00:24:20,226
His as well.
370
00:24:20,641 --> 00:24:26,072
And concentrate. Mmmmmh!
371
00:24:26,742 --> 00:24:30,085
DIANA: This is rubbish, Tom. Surely, we should be bashing him on the chest or something.
372
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,242
TOM: Just do it, woman! The man is dying.
373
00:24:34,815 --> 00:24:38,912
Mmmmmh! DIANA: Christ!
374
00:24:38,912 --> 00:24:41,780
BOTH: Mmmmh!
375
00:24:42,369 --> 00:24:48,296
TOM: Goodness, love, God, and the power of light to be with you, Basil. Mmmmmh!
376
00:24:56,426 --> 00:24:57,051
BASIL: Help!
377
00:25:02,490 --> 00:25:04,054
TOM: Well, it wasn't my fault.
378
00:25:04,054 --> 00:25:04,665
DIANA: Of course, it was.
379
00:25:04,665 --> 00:25:07,216
TOM: You were the one who came running in a panic and a flapdoodle.
380
00:25:07,216 --> 00:25:08,672
DIANA: Well, you're supposed to be the expert.
381
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,087
TOM: Well, I don't think he was asleep.
382
00:25:12,087 --> 00:25:15,421
I think it was our combined prayers for him that brought him back.
383
00:25:15,421 --> 00:25:17,060
DIANA: He said he was asleep.
384
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:20,253
He denied all knowledge of floating around the light fittings.
385
00:25:22,186 --> 00:25:26,720
He said he woke up to find a couple of nutters by his bedside.
386
00:25:27,933 --> 00:25:29,310
You were far too hasty.
387
00:25:29,959 --> 00:25:32,733
TOM: Yeah, you're probably right.
388
00:25:34,183 --> 00:25:42,617
I remember when I lived with Marion and Geoffrey, all I had to do was to nod off in front of the telly, and she was out with the measuring tape and the embalming fluid.
389
00:25:44,249 --> 00:25:46,380
DIANA: Ambulances, doctors.
390
00:25:47,227 --> 00:25:49,526
The randy midget was just having a kip.
391
00:25:49,998 --> 00:25:51,314
I felt very silly.
392
00:25:51,768 --> 00:25:54,066
TOM: Would you have preferred it if he'd really died?
393
00:25:54,066 --> 00:25:56,503
DIANA: Yes, absolutely. It would have been a lot less embarrassing.
394
00:25:57,868 --> 00:26:06,279
Look, in the future, if he wishes to bonk himself into oblivion, then you can just let him sleep it off in his own good time.
395
00:26:07,382 --> 00:26:11,553
TOM: Ah, Diana, you're such a wonderful person.
396
00:26:11,887 --> 00:26:22,409
I think when you die, you should be stuffed and mounted, like an eagle, with talons on a branch, and a dead stoat in your mouth.
397
00:26:23,384 --> 00:26:27,037
What ho, Jane! Has widow Tess got over her palpitations yet?
398
00:26:27,542 --> 00:26:28,649
DIANA: Jane?
399
00:26:29,108 --> 00:26:30,331
JANE: I tucked her in.
400
00:26:30,863 --> 00:26:33,742
She was really glad that Basil was fine.
401
00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:33,742
She went to sleep with a smile on her face.
402
00:26:37,532 --> 00:26:38,122
DIANA: And?
403
00:26:38,770 --> 00:26:40,880
JANE: And then she passed away in her sleep.
404
00:26:43,339 --> 00:26:45,667
TOM: Oh, have you called her family?
405
00:26:46,201 --> 00:26:49,885
JANE: No, she hasn't any. She was all alone.
406
00:26:51,032 --> 00:26:54,076
TOM: Well, we'll have to put that to rights.
407
00:26:55,369 --> 00:27:14,581
VICAR: In the midst of life, we are in death. Of whom may we seek for succour, but of thee, o lord, who for our sins art justly displeased? <i>steel band plays funeral music</i>
408
00:27:16,019 --> 00:27:17,837
DIANA: The steel band is a bit over the top.
409
00:27:18,272 --> 00:27:21,301
TOM: Well, I couldn't find any Vikings.
410
00:27:20,810 --> 00:27:28,919
<i>steel band</i>
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