polyphons

John Maidment

John Maidment in his blog of the 19th of January, 2012, asks the question which term to use for the fact that a word may have more than one pronunciation, e.g. byzantine (to use his example) pronounceable in General British English as /bɪˈzæntaɪn, baɪˈzæntaɪn, bəˈzæntaɪn, -i:n/ or /ˈbɪzəntaɪn, ˈbɪzəntiːn/. He suggests the term polymorph. As a first comment to John's blog I suggested polyphonemic. On second thoughts, however, I withdrew my proposal because of the fact that it would deprive one of the possibility to call a word with more than phoneme polyphonemic. In the meantime Jack Windsor Lewis had published a blog entry on the topic with the title polyphons. Jack comes up with the term polyphon to describe the fact that a word has more than one pronunciation. A beautiful example of 'phonetic polyphony' is his analysis of the GB pronunciations of traditionally: According to his calculations (to be admired here) there are 160 allopolyphons.
How does he arrive at this figure? He lists 60 allopolyphons with a word-final /i/. This figure is to be doubled by replacing /i/ by /ɪ/. This makes 120 allopolyphons. Moreover, one can articulate the word with an epenthetic /t/ if the following fricative is a voiceless /s/ or an epenthetic /d/ if followed by a /z/. Within the list there are 20 items with /-dz-/ plus final /i/ and 20 with /-dz-/ and /ɪ/. To this we must add 80 items with /-ts-/ plus /i/ or /ɪ/. 20+20+80=120. This leads to a grand total of 120+120=240 allopolyphons. 

Jack seems to have difficulties with his blogger software because we see a small pipe symbol ¦ below some of the pronunciations with a /ʃ/ which can be misinterpreted as a syllabicity mark but isn't intended to be one.  This is why I repeat the first sixty items of Jack's list here:

Jack Windsor Lewis

1.    trӕnˈzɪʃənəli
2.    trӕnˈzɪʃn̩əli
3.    trӕnˈzɪʃnəli
4.    trӕnˈzɪʃnli
5.    trӕnˈzɪʃn̩l̩i
6.    trӕnˈsɪʃənəli
7.    trӕnˈsɪʃn̩l̩i
8.    trӕnˈsɪʃn̩əli
9.    trӕnˈsɪʃnəli
10.    trӕnˈsɪʃnli
11.    trӕnˈsɪʒənəli
12.    trӕnˈsɪʒn̩l̩i
13.    trӕnˈsɪʒn̩əli
14.    trӕnˈsɪʒnəli
15.    trӕnˈsɪʒnli
16.    trɑːnˈzɪʃənəli
17.    trɑːnˈzɪʃn̩l̩i
18.    trɑːnˈzɪʃn̩əli
19.    trɑːnˈzɪʃnəli
20.    trɑːnˈzɪʃnli
21.    trɑːnˈsɪʃənəli
22.    trɑːnˈsɪʃn̩əli
23.    trɑːnˈsɪʃnəli
24.    trɑːnˈsɪʃnli
25.    trɑːnˈsɪʃn̩l̩i
26.    trɑːnˈsɪʒənəli
27.    trɑːnˈsɪʒn̩l̩i
28.    trɑːnˈsɪʒn̩əli
29.    trɑːnˈsɪʒnəli
30.    trɑːnˈsɪʒnli
31.    trənˈzɪʃənəli
32.    trənˈzɪʃn̩l̩i
33.    trənˈzɪʃn̩əli
34.    trənˈzɪʃnəli
35.    trənˈzɪʃnli
36.    trənˈsɪʃənəli
37.    trənˈsɪʃn̩əli
38.    trənˈsɪʃnəli 
39.    trənˈsɪʃnli
40.    trənˈsɪʃn̩l̩i
41.    trənˈsɪʒənəli
42.    trənˈsɪʒn̩l̩i
43.    trənˈsɪʒn̩əli
44.    trənˈsɪʒnəli
45.    trənˈsɪʒnli
46.    trnˈzɪʃənəli
47.    trnˈzɪʃn̩l̩i
48.    trnˈzɪʃn̩əli
49.    trnˈzɪʃnəli
50.    trnˈzɪʃnli
51.    trnˈsɪʃənəli
52.    trnˈsɪʃn̩l̩i
53.    trnˈsɪʃn̩əli
54.    trnˈsɪʃnəli
55.    trnˈsɪʃnli
56.    trnˈsɪʒənəli
57.    trnˈsɪʒn̩l̩i
58.    trnˈsɪʒn̩əli
59.    trnˈsɪʒnəli
60.    trnˈsɪʒnli
 

taking it for granted

I was asked by a friend of mine who the first person was to use virgules, slants, slashes for phonemes. I slashed flushed with shame and had to confess: "I don't know!"
Can anyone out there help?

UPDATE: In the meantime I found a quotation in one of Daniel Jones's articles in which he writes this:

Honi soit qui mal y pense

credit: www.garancedore.fr

A young female Erasmus student from France attends one of my phonetics classes. Last week, the young lady approached me at the end of the class to enquire about the number of assignments she had handed in already. I asked for her name to which she replied [I use a different name here]: "Paillard - /wɪð ə piː ət ðə bəɡɪnɪŋ/". Sorry for my one-tracked mind!

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Do you suffer from triskaidekaphobia or from paraskevidekatriaphobia? Friggatriskaidekaphobia is just as bad. Triskaidekaphobia is pronounced /ˌtrɪskaɪˌdekəˈfəʊbiə/; it's the only one of the 3 words which you can find in the OED. There are no sugestions in LPD3 on the pronunciations of the other two words. Frigga is an Old Norse goddess who gave the 5th day of the week its name. Thus, this name for the phobia is pronounced /ˌfrɪɡəˌtrɪskaɪˌdekəˈfəʊbiə/. My proposal for pronouncing paraskevidekatriaphobia is /ˌpærəskeviˌdekətraɪəˈfəʊbiə /

another ejective sample

When I listened to Tuesday's 'Essential Classics' presented on BBC Radio 3 by Sarah Walker, I heard her pronounce the name of the Dutch conductor Bernard Haitink as [ˈhaɪtɪŋkʼ], i.e. with what seems to be a word-final ejective variant of /k/. Listen for yourselves, please:

credit: BBC

Sarah Walker was born in a place near Sheffield in Yorkshire. She studied music at Royal Holloway College, and after that she pursued postgraduate studies in Performance and English Experimental Music at Reading University and City University London. Dr Walker holds a Ph.D. in music. Her thesis deals with English experimental music.

funny typo

This is a section of the cover page of a seminar paper a student of mine handed in a few months ago. The typo is hilarious.

Waiting for God - subtitles - part 4

credit: BBC

Here's the rest of it:

 295
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:04,013
TOM: Do you want to know about my survey or don't you?

296
00:20:04,013 --> 00:20:06,935
DIANA: Oh, just tell me about your boring survey.

297
00:20:06,935 --> 00:20:17,612
TOM: Well, as a former accountant and statistician, I have interviewed the residents re their personalities, medical histories and sorted them into types from which I can predict their probable life spans.

298
00:20:17,612 --> 00:20:20,893
DIANA: What do you mean, you've worked out a timetable of when we're all going to snuff it!

299
00:20:20,893 --> 00:20:21,877
TOM: Sort of.

300
00:20:21,877 --> 00:20:23,004
DIANA: How grotesque.

301
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:31,097
TOM: So, from this list, I can work out who I ought to be counselling for their meeting with Mr. Grim Reaper, Esq.

302
00:20:30,619 --> 00:20:32,295
DIANA: You're mad as a cut snake.

303
00:20:32,757 --> 00:20:40,700
Never heard anything so daft, predicting who's going to die when. Just sup your soup and shut up. Counselling schmounselling.

304
00:20:45,173 --> 00:20:40,700
TOM: Diana? DIANA: What?

305
00:20:47,257 --> 00:20:50,029
TOM: You've led a very full and rewarding life, haven't you?

306
00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,751
DIANA: I'll bloody kill you!

307
00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:59,213
GEOFFREY: Yes, well, I think it's very admirable, dad. Don't you, dear?

308
00:20:59,213 --> 00:20:59,213
MARION: What? GEOFFREY: Dad's counselling.

309
00:21:00,879 --> 00:21:00,879
MARION: ON the council? I didn't know he was on the council.

310
00:21:03,919 --> 00:21:08,140
GEOFFREY: No, dear. counselling. Talking to people who need help.

311
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:08,056
MARION: I do not need help. I'm fine. Really, I am, fine.

312
00:21:12,587 --> 00:21:15,048
Everything totally under control.

313
00:21:15,048 --> 00:21:16,046
TOM: Is she all right?

314
00:21:16,938 --> 00:21:20,610
I mean "all right" within the very limited terms one would use the word in relation to Marion.

315
00:21:20,866 --> 00:21:23,140
GEOFFREY: She's breaking in a new tranquilizer.

316
00:21:23,796 --> 00:21:25,341
TOM: Seems to be working.

317
00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:29,426
GEOFFREY: What were you saying about high risk groups, dad?

318
00:21:29,761 --> 00:21:34,131
TOM: Er, yes, well, I checked with a few quacks, and my field work is pretty accurate.

319
00:21:34,131 --> 00:21:35,493
GEOFFREY: Oh, fascinating.

320
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,388
And where would I come on your risk ladder?

321
00:21:37,388 --> 00:21:39,795
TOM: Oh, you're way down low on the list, Geoffrey.

322
00:21:40,222 --> 00:21:44,412
Non-smoking, non-drinking, stamp-collecting liberal democrat.

323
00:21:45,464 --> 00:21:47,852
You'll live for years and do absolutely nothing.

324
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,441
GEOFFREY: So there's something to be said for being me after all.

325
00:21:51,441 --> 00:21:52,238
TOM: I didn't say that.

326
00:21:53,049 --> 00:21:52,238
GEOFFREY: What about Marion? What's her risk factor?

327
00:21:57,074 --> 00:21:56,558
TOM: Don't let her start any long shopping lists.

328
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:06,065
DIANA: Tom! Tom! TOM: Out here! What is it?

329
00:22:07,416 --> 00:22:08,807
DIANA: It's Basil. TOM: What?

330
00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:09,807
DIANA: I think you'd better come.

331
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:12,512
TOM: What happened?

332
00:22:12,427 --> 00:22:12,512
DIANA: I don't know. Oh.

333
00:22:15,130 --> 00:22:18,705
That widow twanky there probably rolled over and flattened the poor little chap.

334
00:22:19,582 --> 00:22:20,497
TOM: Have you called the quack?

335
00:22:21,170 --> 00:22:24,312
JANE: Harvey's a bit concerned about the er, circumstances.

336
00:22:24,312 --> 00:22:24,988
TOM: What?

337
00:22:24,988 --> 00:22:26,728
HARVEY: Well, it wouldn't look too good in the papers.

338
00:22:27,455 --> 00:22:29,839
Pensioners ... well, you know ...

339
00:22:30,505 --> 00:22:34,848
Thingy … all over the place ... Coronaries.

340
00:22:35,281 --> 00:22:37,294
TOM: Get the doctor at once, you bloody fool.

341
00:22:37,294 --> 00:22:38,793
TOM: All right, all right.

342
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:38,793
Jane, get Tess back to her place. And not a word to anyone.

343
00:22:43,173 --> 00:22:47,303
This is a respectable retirement village, not a geriatric knocking shop.

344
00:22:50,371 --> 00:22:50,843
DIANA: Has he gone?

345
00:22:52,064 --> 00:22:53,134
TOM: No, he's still with us.

346
00:22:56,356 --> 00:23:00,101
Bas, can you hear me? Bas?

347
00:23:01,366 --> 00:23:03,342
He may be on the brink.

348
00:23:03,296 --> 00:23:04,083
DIANA: Oh, my god.

349
00:23:05,059 --> 00:23:06,536
TOM: He's probably half in, half out.

350
00:23:06,919 --> 00:23:07,755
DIANA: Of what?

351
00:23:07,755 --> 00:23:10,610
TOM: Of his body. the transition phase it's called.

352
00:23:11,092 --> 00:23:14,126
I expect he's hovering about above us watching all this.

353
00:23:14,859 --> 00:23:18,436
DIANA: Basil, stop frigging about and get the bloody hell back down here immediately.

354
00:23:18,776 --> 00:23:23,815
TOM: That's not the way to do it. His going must be a warm experience.

355
00:23:24,299 --> 00:23:25,416
DIANA: What do you mean? You're going to set fire to him?

356
00:23:26,085 --> 00:23:28,556
TOM: No. Just be quiet.

357
00:23:28,996 --> 00:23:34,712
Basil, chum. You have every reason to be happy.

358
00:23:35,542 --> 00:23:40,596
A great life, lived, travelled, loved. Definitely loved.

359
00:23:40,962 --> 00:23:43,474
Remember, we love you, too.

360
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,474
Most profoundly, don't we, Diana?

361
00:23:46,977 --> 00:23:48,014
DIANA: Love? Him?

362
00:23:48,397 --> 00:23:49,714
TOM: Yes!

363
00:23:50,090 --> 00:23:50,750
DIANA: He's all right, I suppose.

364
00:23:54,951 --> 00:23:55,923
TOM: Kiss him, Diana.

365
00:23:57,758 --> 00:24:03,991
DIANA: Me? TOM: Yes.

366
00:24:03,991 --> 00:24:05,672
DIANA: Well, now what are we supposed to do?

367
00:24:05,672 --> 00:24:11,192
TOM: Hold hands, and concentrate our spiritual energies.

368
00:24:14,097 --> 00:24:16,203
Well, come on, hold hands.

369
00:24:17,239 --> 00:24:20,226
His as well.

370
00:24:20,641 --> 00:24:26,072
And concentrate. Mmmmmh!

371
00:24:26,742 --> 00:24:30,085
DIANA: This is rubbish, Tom. Surely, we should be bashing him on the chest or something.

372
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,242
TOM: Just do it, woman! The man is dying.

373
00:24:34,815 --> 00:24:38,912
Mmmmmh! DIANA: Christ!

374
00:24:38,912 --> 00:24:41,780
BOTH: Mmmmh!

375
00:24:42,369 --> 00:24:48,296
TOM: Goodness, love, God, and the power of light to be with you, Basil. Mmmmmh!

376
00:24:56,426 --> 00:24:57,051
BASIL: Help!

377
00:25:02,490 --> 00:25:04,054
TOM: Well, it wasn't my fault.

378
00:25:04,054 --> 00:25:04,665
DIANA: Of course, it was.

379
00:25:04,665 --> 00:25:07,216
TOM: You were the one who came running in a panic and a flapdoodle.

380
00:25:07,216 --> 00:25:08,672
DIANA: Well, you're supposed to be the expert.

381
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,087
TOM: Well, I don't think he was asleep.

382
00:25:12,087 --> 00:25:15,421
I think it was our combined prayers for him that brought him back.

383
00:25:15,421 --> 00:25:17,060
DIANA: He said he was asleep.

384
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:20,253
He denied all knowledge of floating around the light fittings.

385
00:25:22,186 --> 00:25:26,720
He said he woke up to find a couple of nutters by his bedside.

386
00:25:27,933 --> 00:25:29,310
You were far too hasty.

387
00:25:29,959 --> 00:25:32,733
TOM: Yeah, you're probably right.

388
00:25:34,183 --> 00:25:42,617
I remember when I lived with Marion and Geoffrey, all I had to do was to nod off in front of the telly, and she was out with the measuring tape and the embalming fluid.

389
00:25:44,249 --> 00:25:46,380
DIANA: Ambulances, doctors.

390
00:25:47,227 --> 00:25:49,526
The randy midget was just having a kip.

391
00:25:49,998 --> 00:25:51,314
I felt very silly.

392
00:25:51,768 --> 00:25:54,066
TOM: Would you have preferred it if he'd really died?

393
00:25:54,066 --> 00:25:56,503
DIANA: Yes, absolutely. It would have been a lot less embarrassing.

394
00:25:57,868 --> 00:26:06,279
Look, in the future, if he wishes to bonk himself into oblivion, then you can just let him sleep it off in his own good time.

395
00:26:07,382 --> 00:26:11,553
TOM: Ah, Diana, you're such a wonderful person.

396
00:26:11,887 --> 00:26:22,409
I think when you die, you should be stuffed and mounted, like an eagle, with talons on a branch, and a dead stoat in your mouth.

397
00:26:23,384 --> 00:26:27,037
What ho, Jane! Has widow Tess got over her palpitations yet?

398
00:26:27,542 --> 00:26:28,649
DIANA: Jane?

399
00:26:29,108 --> 00:26:30,331
JANE: I tucked her in.

400
00:26:30,863 --> 00:26:33,742
She was really glad that Basil was fine.

401
00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:33,742
She went to sleep with a smile on her face.

402
00:26:37,532 --> 00:26:38,122
DIANA: And?

403
00:26:38,770 --> 00:26:40,880
JANE: And then she passed away in her sleep.

404
00:26:43,339 --> 00:26:45,667
TOM: Oh, have you called her family?

405
00:26:46,201 --> 00:26:49,885
JANE: No, she hasn't any. She was all alone.

406
00:26:51,032 --> 00:26:54,076
TOM: Well, we'll have to put that to rights.

407
00:26:55,369 --> 00:27:14,581
VICAR: In the midst of life, we are in death. Of whom may we seek for succour, but of thee, o lord, who for our sins art justly displeased? <i>steel band plays funeral music</i>

408
00:27:16,019 --> 00:27:17,837
DIANA: The steel band is a bit over the top.

409
00:27:18,272 --> 00:27:21,301
TOM: Well, I couldn't find any Vikings.

410
00:27:20,810 --> 00:27:28,919
<i>steel band</i>

Waiting for God - subtitles - part 3

Here's the 3^rd part:

credit: BBC

181
00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:22,742
BASIL: Oh, I wouldn't with you, Diana. God forbid.

182
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,290
You must be terrifying in bed.

183
00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:26,081
DIANA: What do you mean?

184
00:12:26,526 --> 00:12:29,974
BASIL: Always yelling and shouting and giving people orders.

185
00:12:29,974 --> 00:12:32,761
DIANA: Is there another way?

186
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,980
Ooh! Where's Tom?

187
00:12:36,391 --> 00:12:40,700
BASIL: He's going around asking people how they feel. See?

188
00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:43,950
DIANA: What's he up to?

189
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,345
BASIL: God knows, I shouldn't think he's too sure either.

190
00:12:48,246 --> 00:12:52,708
Ah well, I must be off. There’s a new girl, Tess, in number 5.

191
00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:54,935
Keeps giving me the eye.

192
00:12:55,769 --> 00:12:58,230
Big lass. Good training.

193
00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:01,693
DIANA: You wait Basil, the hard-line feminists will get you.

194
00:13:01,810 --> 00:13:05,747
One day, you'll be hacked to bits by boiler-suited viragos outside your shirt maker's.

195
00:13:07,856 --> 00:13:08,788
BASIL: I'll get Tom to give you a hand.

196
00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:24,382
HARVEY: Oh, no, no. It's not good, Jane. JANE: No, Harvey.

197
00:13:26,003 --> 00:13:26,795
What's not good?

198
00:13:27,258 --> 00:13:29,518
HARVEY: Well, the profit forecasts for the coming financial year.

199
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,834
JANE: Oh, they don't look too bad.

200
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:34,221
HARVEY: Yes, but they used to be massive.

201
00:13:34,221 --> 00:13:38,512
I mean these sort of places used to knock the spots off pine forests and off-shore stuff.

202
00:13:38,882 --> 00:13:40,137
And it was legal too.

203
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,194
Well, frankly Jane, there's got to be a bit of belt tightening.

204
00:13:45,698 --> 00:13:50,549
The board of directors met in Antigua the other day, and made some executive decisions.

205
00:13:51,532 --> 00:13:57,864
Now, Jane, instead of salary, how do you feel about points in the net profits?

206
00:13:58,647 --> 00:13:59,838
JANE: What does that mean?

207
00:14:00,594 --> 00:14:02,823
HARVEY: Well, you'd work harder to cut costs.

208
00:14:03,028 --> 00:14:04,586
Starting with your own salary.

209
00:14:06,202 --> 00:14:07,907
JANE: Well, everything's cut to the bone as it is.

210
00:14:08,164 --> 00:14:12,126
HARVEY: Maybe ... yes, maybe we could cut back on the quality of the food and then they eat less.

211
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:14,325
That's another thing, Jane. turnaround.

212
00:14:16,964 --> 00:14:19,696
No, not you Jane. Turnaround of the residents.

213
00:14:20,143 --> 00:14:25,636
Every time one dies, it takes too long to get them out and get the place re-leased and the cash flow rolling in again.

214
00:14:25,636 --> 00:14:28,699
JANE: There must be bit of dignity and decorum, Harvey.

215
00:14:29,070 --> 00:14:31,509
HARVEY: Dignity is an expensive luxury, Jane.

216
00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:34,052
And there's certainly no profit in decorum.

217
00:14:34,984 --> 00:14:35,567
TOM: What ho!

218
00:14:36,452 --> 00:14:38,180
HARVEY: Oh, do come in, Tom. Don't bother to knock.

219
00:14:39,101 --> 00:14:40,204
Yes, why don't you sit down.

220
00:14:40,204 --> 00:14:40,811
TOM: Thank you.

221
00:14:40,811 --> 00:14:42,913
HARVEY: Well, what can I do for you?

222
00:14:42,913 --> 00:14:44,805
TOM: The "care for the dying" program.

223
00:14:44,805 --> 00:14:47,038
HARVEY: I'm sorry Tom, we can't afford a resident counsellor.

224
00:14:47,516 --> 00:14:49,669
TOM: You don't have to. I'm going to do it.

225
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JANE: Oh dear!

226
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HARVEY: I can't afford to pay you either.

227
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TOM: No, I don't want any money. I just want to help my fellow prisoners.

228
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,044
HARVEY: Residents, Tom. TOM: Residents.

229
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HARVEY: You mean you'd do the job with no financial benefit to yourself?

230
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JANE: It's called voluntary service, Harvey.

231
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HARVEY: Fascinating. Voluntary service.

232
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Well, you should think about that, Jane.

233
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JANE: Tom, this job needs somebody with training.

234
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HARVEY: Nonsense, if Tom wants to do it for free, he's trained enough for me.

235
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In fact, I think I'll put it in the new brochure.

236
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The baby retirement village – let us help you die.

237
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What do you think, Jane?

238
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JANE: Oh, Harvey!

239
00:15:29,347 --> 00:15:30,621
HARVEY: So, what have you got there, Tom?

240
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TOM: This is my survey. It's very important. It's also very private.

241
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JANE: Tom, I know you mean well, but if you are untrained I fear you may do more harm than good by counselling the dying without knowing what you're doing.

242
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TOM: Jane, I'm not daft, I'm not callous and I'm certainly not stupid and I'm going to get some training.

243
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Community centre, mon brave.

244
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DIANA: What's he up to?

245
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‘Coping with death – an informal discussion’. That sounds a bundle of laughs. 'Psychotherapy is seldom a brief process.'

246
00:16:26,409 --> 00:16:30,422
TOM: Excuse me. Are you the dying lot?

247
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1st LADY: No, we're lesbian awareness. 2nd LADY: Dying, first left.

248
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TOM: Thank you.

249
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<i>Knocking. </i>

250
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TOM: Dying? LADY: No, quite healthy actually, but we know you mean.

251
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Do come in and join us.

252
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TOM: Thank you.

253
00:17:14,504 --> 00:17:18,058
LADY: Now I was saying …

254
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... in coping with the terminally ill, there are no rules.

255
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You let them call the shots. Whatever they want is fine, you let them have it.

256
00:17:27,810 --> 00:17:28,826
TOM: What if they want to go skiing?

257
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LADY: Sorry?

258
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:35,163
TOM: What if they want to do something that they are absolutely incapable of?

259
00:17:35,163 --> 00:17:38,218
LADY: Firstly, you let them decide just what they're capable of.

260
00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:43,702
TOM: But, what if it's a totally loopy idea? Running the marathon on half a lung or something.

261
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LADY: Tell them they're crazy. Nicely, of course.

262
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:47,505
TOM: Oh, of course.

263
00:17:48,264 --> 00:17:53,827
LADY: Now, the other main thing is listening. Listen, listen, listen.

264
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For hours, days if necessary, let them get it all off their chests even if it means they are repeating themselves every five minutes.

265
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TOM: I'm a very good listener.

266
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LADY: Good. Now there are a few practical ... TOM: In fact, listening is about all I'm good at these days.

267
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LADY: Now when it comes to … TOM: I've been a good listener ever since I was a lad. My mother used to say to me, "Tom, you're a great listener."

268
00:18:14,957 --> 00:18:20,525
LADY: Yes. Fine. TOM: ... and now I spend hours listening to Diana.

269
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I am a terrific listener.

270
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LADY: Well, would you mind listening to me for a minute?

271
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TOM: Of course, yes, absolutely. Sorry.

272
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LADY: Thank you. Now …

273
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TOM: You'll find I'm a very good listener.

274
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LADY: Now, let's move on to the late terminal stages, where a patient is to all intents in a non-communicating coma state.

275
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Remember this one thing:

276
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You don't know whether they can hear you or not.

277
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So, don't say anything that you wouldn't say to their faces.

278
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TOM: Like, how we don't like the Swedish.

279
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LADY: What?

280
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TOM: Well, er, that might upset them.

281
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LADY: Why?

282
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TOM: Well, they might be Swedish.

283
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LADY: I think we'll break for cup of tea now.

284
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BASIL: So, your husband was a bank manager, eh?

285
00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:23,461
Well, that's a real coincidence, Tess, because as it happens, I'm very good at massage.

286
00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:31,480
DIANA: That's who they should put in the brochure, you know.

287
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:36,130
Basil, the sex pistol.

288
00:19:37,497 --> 00:19:45,649
Never mind your counselling for the dying, just tell the old ducks they'll get the best servicing this side of the grave, they'll be climbing over the wall.

289
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,648
TOM: Don't be vulgar, Diana.

290
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DIANA: Mind you, if that one gets up steam, we may never see the little beggar again.

291
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TOM: Diana! DIANA: Sorry, you were saying?

292
00:19:55,648 --> 00:19:58,600
TOM: Well ... DIANA: I wonder if we ought to buy him some distress flares.

293
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TOM: Diana!

294
00:20:00,163 --> 00:19:59,753
DIANA: I'm sorry, you carry on.

Waiting for God - part2 - subtitles continued

Here's the second section from series 2, episode 1:

credit: BBC

89
00:06:49,633 --> 00:06:51,744
DIANA: Will you speak your purpose, woman?

90
00:06:52,438 --> 00:06:55,561
JANE: I just wanted to explain about leaving the grave.

91
00:06:56,532 --> 00:06:57,947
TOM: Leaving the grave? JANE: Yes.

92
00:06:58,862 --> 00:07:01,163
TOM: Like Lazarus? JANE: No, me.

93
00:07:03,099 --> 00:07:05,047
TOM: And when did you leave the grave, Jane?

94
00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:05,948
JANE: This afternoon.

95
00:07:07,183 --> 00:07:07,890
TOM: And when did you die?

96
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JANE: I haven't died, Tom.

97
00:07:10,818 --> 00:07:14,569
TOM: Well, that's cheating, Jane. You can't rise from the dead, if you haven't died.

98
00:07:15,297 --> 00:07:19,086
I mean Lazarus would never have got his top billing in the bible if he'd come out of the tomb saying,

99
00:07:19,201 --> 00:07:24,873
"Hello, I've just risen from the dead," when everyone knew he'd been down at the pub.

100
00:07:26,618 --> 00:07:30,201
You can't cheat your way into world history, Jane. Can she, Diana?

101
00:07:30,201 --> 00:07:31,796
DIANA: Oh, absolutely not.

102
00:07:31,796 --> 00:07:36,662
JANE: I was referring to my premature departure from the grave side this afternoon.

103
00:07:37,134 --> 00:07:39,313
DIANA: And what was Harvey's important engagement?

104
00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:40,734
JANE: Oh, he had to see his tailor.

105
00:07:40,734 --> 00:07:42,704
DIANA: Oh, good. I am glad.

106
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We may all be dropping like flies, but at least we can be happy in the knowledge that Harvey will see
us off in the best that polyester can offer.

107
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:55,146
JANE: Oh, please, Diana. I came to talk about Harry and his death.

108
00:07:55,461 --> 00:07:56,252
DIANA: Well, what about it?

109
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,430
JANE: Well, we don't want it to happen again.

110
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:02,812
DIANA: I don't suppose it will happen again. Not while Harry remains dead.

111
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JANE: No, I mean we don't want people dying on their own.

112
00:08:06,963 --> 00:08:08,986
DIANA: Oh, you mean you want us to pop off in groups.

113
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JANE: No!

114
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DIANA: You mean into the minibus and over the nearest cliff.

115
00:08:14,134 --> 00:08:18,356
TOM: She means that a dying person should not be alone.

116
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JANE: Yes, and there should be more than four people round the grave side.

117
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DIANA: And those people should be at the right grave at the right time. JANE: Yes.

118
00:08:26,147 --> 00:08:29,201
TOM: Yes, surrounded by friends and relatives. JANE: Right.

119
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TOM: And little children. JANE: Yes.

120
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TOM: And passing revellers, jugglers, acrobats, clowns - people with webbed feet. DIANA: Oh, shut up!

121
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It's a horrible idea.

122
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The last thing you want when you're trying to eke out your final gasps is a bunch of bloody sightseers snuffling around and whipping things off your mantelpiece.

123
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To hell with that. When I go, I want to go solo, thank you very much.

124
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JANE: Oh, well, you're just very odd, Diana.

125
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:57,874
I'm sure Tom wouldn't want to be on his own.

126
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TOM: Absolutely not.

127
00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:04,345
I'm going to be attended by a phalanx of Viking warriors.

128
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JANE: Oh, a what?

129
00:09:05,991 --> 00:09:06,694
DIANA: Don't ask.

130
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TOM: I'm going to have a Viking funeral. Tied to the mast of my ship, and shoved off into the mists.

131
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Farewell, Tom dragon slayer, ye noble raper and pillager.

132
00:09:20,588 --> 00:09:21,717
Well, pillager at any rate.

133
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Don't approve of the rape bit. Never understood why they had to go together. And which did you do first?

134
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You wouldn't want to be raping while the others were pillaging,

135
00:09:33,248 --> 00:09:38,599
burning rafters crashing down on your bouncing bum. JANE: Oh, for God's sake!

136
00:09:39,572 --> 00:09:42,968
DIANA: Jane, will you please say what you came to say, or we'll all be dead.

137
00:09:43,621 --> 00:09:48,705
JANE: Well, I think …  DIANA: Yes? JANE: I think we should care more for each other.

138
00:09:49,904 --> 00:09:51,778
DIANA: Well, that's it, is it? That's your great message?

139
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JANE: Yes. DIANA: How wet!

140
00:09:55,472 --> 00:09:57,152
TOM: Well, I think it's a very good idea.

141
00:09:57,374 --> 00:09:59,515
JANE: I want to make it official policy.

142
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:02,486
DIANA: And what does our favourite enema say about that?

143
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:08,487
JANE: Harvey says … Harvey is happy to discuss any new ideas.

144
00:10:08,487 --> 00:10:09,847
DIANA: As long as it doesn't cost him anything.

145
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:13,450
JANE: There's far too much isolation around here.

146
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We should all be reaching out to each other.

147
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Talking, feeling, loving one another so that never again does a resident reach that final hour without oodles of love and companionship to help them on their way across the great shining plain.

148
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TOM: Hear, hear!

149
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I'm with you, Jane. JANE: Oh, good, Tom! Diana?

150
00:10:39,838 --> 00:10:38,798
DIANA: I think I'm going to be sick.

151
00:10:43,564 --> 00:10:46,798
Voila, Antonio. Un autre weed.

152
00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:48,059
Pullez it up.

153
00:10:49,597 --> 00:10:51,913
C'est le clover.

154
00:10:52,366 --> 00:10:54,557
C'est tres mal pour l'herbe.

155
00:10:55,248 --> 00:10:57,894
Oh, God. dismal Lisbon riff raff.

156
00:10:59,308 --> 00:11:02,221
Ow! My bloody back.

157
00:11:02,908 --> 00:11:05,209
Well, do something, you fool.

158
00:11:07,454 --> 00:11:13,067
Faites quelque chose, cretin. Aidez moi.

159
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,659
ANTONIO: Oh!

160
00:11:16,577 --> 00:11:17,848
DIANA: Bastard!

161
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,381
Tom! Jane!

162
00:11:22,341 --> 00:11:25,364
Anyone! Is there anyone still alive?

163
00:11:25,364 --> 00:11:26,375
BASIL: Hello, Diana.

164
00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:28,832
DIANA: Hello, Basil.

165
00:11:28,832 --> 00:11:30,933
BASIL: Talking to the grass, are you?

166
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,477
DIANA: Help me to that seat.

167
00:11:33,477 --> 00:11:34,267
BASIL: Oh, okay then.

168
00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:37,092
Come on then.

169
00:11:39,882 --> 00:11:41,087
A bad back, is it?

170
00:11:41,087 --> 00:11:43,548
DIANA: No, Basil, it's an ingrowing toenail.

171
00:11:45,959 --> 00:11:48,181
BASIL: What brought this on?

172
00:11:48,514 --> 00:11:48,514
DIANA: Well, I have a nasty little pseudo-arthritic complaint which is kept at bay with steroids.

173
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But they make my bones very brittle.

174
00:11:57,847 --> 00:12:02,043
BASIL: Ah, ah, there.

175
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,762
Like me to give you a massage?

176
00:12:06,762 --> 00:12:08,701
DIANA: No, I would not, you filthy little beast.

177
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We all know about the Basil Makepeace massage parlour, thank you.

178
00:12:13,092 --> 00:12:16,077
BASIL: I give a lot of pleasure and comfort. DIANA: Don't boast.

179
00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:18,485
BASIL: It's all I was ever any good at.

180
00:12:18,497 --> 00:12:20,210
DIANA: Well, don't try it with me.